


Defrost

by butterflyslinky



Series: His Mighty Shield [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Implied Relationships, M/M, POV Second Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-02
Updated: 2014-05-02
Packaged: 2018-01-21 15:33:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1555370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterflyslinky/pseuds/butterflyslinky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has brought Bucky back to Avengers Tower, but not everyone is eager to welcome him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Defrost

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vinvy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinvy/gifts).



Your first thought is that he looks small. That in itself is unusual. He had always been so large before. Even after you’d outgrown him, he seemed large.

But even though you’re about the same size he seems small. Maybe it’s the way he sits, hunched over with his head down, dark hair falling in his face. Or maybe it’s the way he looks at you through the sheet of hair, his eyes dark and frightened, like an animal that’s been caught and is trying to decide whether to bite its captor or itself.

And when you see him look that scared, you feel frightened as well. After all, Bucky has always protected you, always been the strong one. To see him like this makes you feel vulnerable. Even if you don’t need his protection anymore, you want him to shield you.

But those days have passed. That much is obvious as you sit in the kitchen of Avengers tower, not talking. You’re not sure what to say, considering the lukewarm reception Bucky received upon his arrival here. Tony hated him. You could see that right off. When Bucky had arrived on the doorstep and you had taken him in to the others, you had seen the same resentment in Tony’s eyes that you’d seen when you’d first met him. The same anger, the same selfish longing of a little boy. And you can’t blame him. After all, Bucky did kill his parents. He took Howard from Tony, just like you had. You couldn’t expect Tony to welcome him with open arms. And indeed, after Tony had taken a few obligatory jabs at Bucky, he had gone off in a huff to work on something.

Natasha had been reserved, though she at least tried to be friendly. But when she spoke to him, it was awkward, and you could feel the fear. The fear she had of a man who had shot her several times, the fear he had of retaliation. But she was kind. Gentle. And you could tell Bucky was trying to be as well, though it was difficult for him. He had forgotten how to be kind. Nevertheless, by the time Natasha had left, they had managed to at least have a civil conversation in which they both apologized for trying to kill each other.

Bruce was cautious, his ever-present rage simmering just under the surface the whole time he talked to Bucky. You know that Bruce isn’t angry at him, per se, but you know that he’s thinking of what Bucky had done, all the people he’d hurt. But there was also understanding in the way Bruce spoke to him, and sympathy in the way Bruce offered to take a look at Bucky’s arm, an offer that was accepted but put on hold for another day, when both are feeling up to it.

Clint received Bucky better than anyone. When they were introduced, Clint treated Bucky like a person, spoke to him as an equal, didn’t mention the elephant in the room, but when he avoided it, it didn’t feel forced like it had with the others. Clint simply spoke to Bucky about normal things. And it makes sense. After all, Clint knows what it’s like, being taken by something evil and forced to harm innocent people. He and Bucky talk for over an hour and at the end, Bucky is more visibly relaxed.

Unfortunately, Clint was called back to SHIELD so you and Bucky are left alone. You’re not sure what to say. You don’t want to bring up the recent past, but you aren’t sure if Bucky remembers the stuff from further back. So you sit silently for several minutes, just watching him.

“You want some coffee?” you finally ask. Not because you particularly like coffee, but because it will give you something to do and you remember that Bucky always drank it before.

His eyes flicker as though he’s trying to remember the proper response. It takes a moment, but he finally nods jerkily. “Sure,” he says.

You get up and start making it, brewing it as strong as you can tolerate even though you know Bucky likes it much stronger than that. You remember the days when you stayed over at his apartment, days when you would wake up to fumes so strong they would have you alert within seconds. But this time, you brew it a bit lighter, partly so you don’t fall over, partly because the others would get mad if you used all the beans. 

Not that Bucky seems to mind when you hand him a cup. He drinks it absently, not really looking at anything, and you once again feel awkward and uncertain.

Finally, the mugs empty, you speak. “You want a shower?”

He nods. “Yeah. Probably should.” He runs his hand through his long hair. “And a haircut.”

You nod. “I’ll take you up.”

You show him to the bathroom nearest your room…the one furthest from Tony. It’s probably best that Tony and Bucky don’t see each other too often right now.

It takes him a little while to figure out the new shower. You show him and then excuse yourself, telling him to call when he’s done so you can cut his hair. Natasha would probably do a better job, but you know Bucky wouldn’t trust her with scissors near his head and neck.

Half-an-hour later, he calls for you. You go back in to find Bucky sitting on the edge of the tub, wrapped in a towel, his hair wet and tangled. You grab a pair of scissor from the cupboard and approach him. “Turn around,” you say.

He does, turning so you can sit behind him and clip the hair away. It falls into the tub, leaving black flecks everywhere, but you’ll wash them away later. Bucky sits quietly, not moving.

After a few minutes, you’re done. It’s not as perfect as it used to be, but it’s neat enough. You put the scissors on the counter nearby and reach down to brush the bits of hair off Bucky’s shoulders. He flinches a bit at the gentle touches and you stop. “Sorry,” you say.

“No,” Bucky answers. “It’s okay, just…I’m not used to it.”

You sit down next to him. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” Bucky says. “You can finish doing that…”

You do so, rubbing your hands over his neck and shoulders to ensure they’re clear. Once done, you find a razor for him. He takes it and manages to scrape away the stubble, though it’s rough and at the end, there are several nicks on his chin.

You don’t comment. “We have a room for you,” you tell him.

He hesitates. “Can I sleep with you?” he asks. 

You stare at him. “What?”

“Not like that,” he adds hastily. “Just…next to you…I don’t want to be alone.”

You nod. “Okay.”

When you get to bed, he curls up in your arms, burying his face in your chest like a frightened child, his metal arm underneath you. You hold him close, petting him gently. You know neither of you will sleep well tonight, but that’s okay. That’s something that will get better.

*

In spite of his constant twitching and whimpering, you do manage to catch a few hours of sleep. When you wake up, he's gone, though you don't know how he managed to get up without you noticing. You wonder for a moment if he's left for good, but then you smell the coffee, way too strong considering you can smell it from two floors up. You smile. Maybe he can recover. 

You dress quickly and head downstairs. Bucky is at the counter, waiting for the coffee to finish. With his hair cut and his face shaved, he looks much more like the Bucky you knew before, almost as though the Winter Soldier had never existed. 

"Morning," you say. 

"Morning," he answers. "Coffee?"

"No thanks." You sit down. "I was going to jog soon. You want to come?"

He shrugs. "Might as well. If I'm going to be a hero, I should stay in shape."

You smile. "You'll always be my hero," you say. "Even if you get old and fat."

He does manage a small smile. "Don't know if that can happen," he says. "But I'd rather not disappoint you."

You do go jogging together. It's nice, having someone who can run with you without forcing you to hold back. You take several laps around Central Park. You don't care how many. 

It's a beautiful morning, cool but not freezing. The sun is shining on you both, and in that moment, you look almost normal. Two guys going for their morning run, faster than most others, but you no longer feel like an oddity. If anyone recognizes you, they don't bother you. 

You run for an hour or two, until it grows too hot to continue. You go back to the tower, still not talking, but it's a more comfortable silence. You feel safer because he's with you. Because he's beside you, no matter how fast you go. 

Tony's in the kitchen when you arrive back, sipping gingerly at a cup of the coffee Bucky made and wincing after every one. He looks up as you enter and glares. "Do super soldiers need to drink super coffee?" he asks. You can't tell if he's joking. 

"You could have made a fresh pot," you point out. 

"There weren't any beans left," he complained. "If you're gonna keep doing this, you'd better buy your own coffee, cause I can't afford to feed your addictions."

Bucky keeps his head down, looking ashamed and guilty and you open your mouth to point out that Tony's able to feed an addiction much worse than caffeine, but Bucky speaks first. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'll go get more in a bit."

"You do that, Snow Queen," Tony snaps before he abruptly turns and stalks out of the room, pointedly pouring the coffee into the sink. 

Bucky looks more upset. "I'm sorry, Steve, I didn't mean to make anyone mad..."

You lay a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay," you tell him. "You didn't do anything wrong. Tony's just being a jerk as usual. We'll go shopping later, I needed to b pick up some things anyway."

*

Your phone rings when you're at the supermarket. Bucky has gone to get his coffee and you're looking for the best deal on non-imported fruit, since Bruce had spent so many hours educating you on your “carbon footprint” and you want to do right by the earth. You glance at the caller to see that it's Sam and you pick up immediately. "Hey."

"Hey, Steve," he says. "I just got done talking to the VA office about Bucky's case."

"What did they say?"

"They're hesitant to give him full benefits because of the whole crazy assassin deal, but we managed to work it out."

"Okay..."

"He's under your custody. He has to stay with you and you have legal control over him."

"All right. Pretty much already true."

"And he has to meet with a VA psychiatrist every week."

You nod. You expected it, really. "I'll arrange it. But that's full veteran benefits?"

"Full benefits. You should get the letter outlining everything soon." He pauses. "Sure you can handle it?"

"Yeah," you say. "I can handle him. Thanks, Sam."

"No problem, Cap. Let me know if you need anything."

"Will do." You hang up as Bucky finds you again. He's carrying several bags of bulk coffee. "Got enough?" you ask, somewhat jokingly. 

He shrugs. "This way I can keep some set aside for myself."

You nod. "Good plan."

He hesitates. "I don't want to waste money if you think it's too much..."

"No," you say. "It's not. And it comes out of a common fund from SHIELD."

He doesn't say anymore as you finish the shopping and check out. You go home, the whole time thinking of where the VA office is in New York and if there's a psychiatrist there able to take on the Winter Soldier. 

*

The next few weeks pass well enough. You do find a psychiatrist for Bucky, and while you don't attend his sessions, it seems to go well enough. At any rate, attending doesn't seem to hurt. 

He doesn't make any fuss about you being in charge of his life, either. He understands that he's still a villain in the eyes of many and that being under the supervision of a group of superheroes is better than being locked in a cell. In fact, he seems relieved to not have to make decisions on his own. 

He still sleeps beside you at night, clinging to you as the only steady thing in his world. You don't mind. In fact, it's kind of nice, having someone who needs you and depends on you. And as time goes by, he relaxes more. The nightmares grow further and further apart, especially after Bucky is prescribed an extra-strength sleeping pill. His grip loosens and he learns to give you more space after you accidentally kick him a few times. The only drawback to this is that his coffee gets stronger to help shake off the pills in the morning, but that's a small price to pay in exchange for a good night's sleep for both of you. 

Overall, it's not perfect, but it's getting better. Or it would be, if it weren't for Tony. 

You didn’t expect them to be best friends right away, if you ever expected it at all, but you thought that they could eventually reach a level of comfort with each other. And you know Bucky is trying his best to get along with Tony, even going to far as to make a pot of lighter coffee in the mornings especially for him. But no matter what Bucky does and no matter what you say, Tony still treats Bucky with contempt, taking jabs at him at every opportunity.

At first, you ignore it. Tony’s an ass to everyone, and most of the time his insults are harmless. Annoying, but harmless, and more often than not intended as a joke, no matter how mean spirited they seem. You think that maybe he’s just trying to treat Bucky the same way he treats everyone else, not meaning to really hurt him. But as time passes, you realize that this isn’t the case, and even if Tony is just joking, Bucky doesn’t take it that way.

Soon enough, you start to notice that whenever Tony walks into a room, Bucky instinctively shrinks back, pressing himself closer to you as though to hide. Even if Tony doesn’t say anything to him, you can feel the fear and hurt from Bucky. 

After this goes on for nearly a month, you’ve had enough. So when Bucky’s gone to his therapy session, you go to Tony’s office and pound on the door. You know he hates it, that he doesn’t like anyone except Pepper to be in there unless it’s an emergency, but you don’t care right then. You have to confront him.

“If there isn’t an alien invasion or giant robot in Times Square, piss off!” he yells.

You ignore him and push open the door, striding inside angrily. “We need to have a talk,” you snap.

Tony doesn’t even look up from whatever he’s building. “My office hours are listed on the door,” he says.

“I don’t care,” you tell him. “I’m not going to tolerate this anymore.” You grab a chair and sit down right in front of him, glaring as hard as you can.

He ignores you for a few minutes, but then sighs and puts down his device. “Fine. What do you want?”

“A little more consideration from you, for a start.”

He rolls his eyes. “Is this about your super-baby?” he asks snidely.

You glare even harder. “He’s not a baby.”

“Sure he’s not. That’s why you have legal control over his entire life.”

“That wasn’t my decision. The VA office wanted to be sure he wasn’t a threat to himself or others.”

“And as soon as you prove he’s not, he goes free and can do what he wants.”

“Isn’t that how it works?”

“Didn’t it occur to you that he could be playing you? Acting like a poor, traumatized victim in order to get your sympathy so you’ll testify to the government that he’s not dangerous? Then, once he’s clear, he can rejoin HYDRA and start killing people again!”

“He wouldn’t do that! I know him, Tony, and he isn’t capable of it!”

“You knew him seventy years ago, Steve. He’s changed since then. Maybe he was brainwashed at first, but he could have actually started believing in their cause. He could have enjoyed killing people.”

“But he’s changed since then. I saw him then, and he’s not like that now. Even if…even if he believed it once, he doesn’t now. I’m trying to help him get better, but it’s hard to do that when you keep pulling him down all the time!”

Tony at least has the decency to look a little ashamed, but his gaze doesn’t waver from yours. “What do you want from me, Steve?” he asks quietly. “Do you want me to forgive him for what he did? Do you want me to say, ‘it’s okay, I’m not mad’? Do you want me to pretend it didn’t happen? I can’t be like you, no matter how hard I may try. He took my family from me, and even if he’s sorry, that doesn’t change anything.”

Your face softens. “I know it’s hard,” you say gently. “I know that what he did was unforgivable. But he’s trying to change, and while he can’t make up for it, he’s at least trying to move on. And if you keep being angry with him, it’s only going to hurt both of you.”

He rolls his eyes. “Knew we shouldn’t have let you hang out with VA counselors,” he mutters. “But okay…I’ll try, Steve. But don’t expect me to stop being angry, or for me to give him special treatment from the rest of you. I’m not changing who I am for him.”

“I don’t expect you to,” you say in exasperation. “I’m just asking you to try and be nicer to him…at least until he gets used to the way you treat people.”

Tony sighs. “I’ll try,” he promises. 

You nod and stand up. “Thank you.” You turn to leave, but then you hear a slight sob behind you and you immediately look back. “Tony?”

He hastily wipes his eyes. “Nothing,” he says. “Just a bit of dust…”

“This place is spotless.” You sit back down. “What’s wrong?”

“You know what’s wrong.”

“I mean…you don’t normally cry over it.”

He takes a shallow breath. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I really am…but it’s hard and…when you confront me…I know you had to, but it’s…”

You reach out and lay a hand on his shoulder. “Take you time,” you say quietly.

He takes several breaths before he suddenly bursts out, “Why am I not good enough?”

You’re rather taken aback. “What do you mean?” you ask.

“Just…everything I do ends up disappointing someone. I’m not good enough for anyone. You, Pepper, Fury, Barnes…” He trails off, but you know what he means.

You take a breath. “Look…I may not have been there, but I knew Howard. He was…he was a bit distant and cocky, but he was a good man. And I know…I know he loved you, Tony.”

Tony shakes his head. “You were the son he wanted,” he mutters.

“But you were the son he got.” You lean over and put your hand on Tony’s shoulder again. “And no one wants you to be anything else.”

“You do.”

You shake your head. “That’s not what I’m asking for.” You hesitate. “I can talk with Bucky’s therapist…see if maybe you two can go in for some group counselling…”

He shakes his head again. “No…I’ll be okay. I just…I just need some time.”

You nod. “Okay.” You stand to go. “Just…tell me if you need anything.”

He manages a small smile and you leave the office.

*

The next morning, you wake up smelling the coffee. You frown, because Bucky is still asleep, curled against your chest, his metal arm underneath you. It was uncomfortable at first, but you soon got used to it.  
You get up and head downstairs to the kitchen, carefully not waking your sleeping companion. You expect to find Clint, or even Natasha there, but to your immense surprise, Tony’s the one at the counter, watching the coffee drip into the pot.

“Hey,” you say to him. “What are you doing up so early?”

“Actually, I’m up late,” Tony says. “And I figured, as long as I’m awake, I might as well get the coffee going.” He frowns at you anxiously. “Do you think it’s strong enough?”


End file.
